December.

This Christmas was my first one away from home. I’ve never gone home so late before – the past few years, I’ve always somehow manage to return home before 25th of December, but now that it’s past Christmas and all, in retrospect, it was probably a good thing that I stayed in Melbourne for as long as I did this time, simply because of the things that I needed to settle.

It’s been a mad month. I’m now in Singapore, holidaying here for a few days before I finally land in Brunei. Shopping and good food again! Finally. My sister actually sent me a list of things to buy. I was literally like this: -___- when I saw her email. I don’t even know if my mom knows that she asked me to buy all that stuff. (And btw, how am I going to pay for all that??)

Moving apartments was the main event of the month (apart from all the graduations that I attended!). From clearing out the old apartment, arranging general exit cleaning and steam carpet cleaning to organizing movers to the new place, it’s been such an arduous task, even to filling the new apartment with furniture and necessary appliances. And all the money!!! I guess I could have planned it better, but now that I know what’s involved in moving, I swear to plan my next one (if there is) better than this. Seriously, if you can, try NOT to move, because the hassle is just unnecessary and it costs too much money. I think about it, and I wondered if I should have tried to persuade my parents to have bought an apartment in Melbourne when I first arrived three years ago, since I am in a 5-year course after all. And even after I leave, we can always rent it out to other students. Sighh.

But to regret is merely foolishness, isn’t it?

I don’t know why, but regrets have been popping up again, with regards to my future, this double degree that I’m doing. Just when I thought that I made the right decision in doing what I love, I find myself regretting again.

The truth is, I’ve really come to dislike answering the question, “So what are you studying?” or similar questions along those lines. What can I say, but, “Oh, I’m doing Music and Arts.” I feel like I’ve been asked that a lot this month. Or maybe it’s just that when you meet people, the general line of conversation is that they find out you’re a student, then they find out that you’re studying at the University of Melbourne, and then that inevitable question.

“So what course are you doing?”

“Music” (if I feel like I can’t be bothered explaining that I’m doing a double degree) or “Music and Arts” (so that I don’t sound like I’ll be completely jobless after graduation).

“Oh, wow!” (Cue inevitable look of surprise and intrigue.) I assume that the intrigue comes mainly from the fact that I’m doing a Music degree.

“Haha…” (Embarrassed laugh and inevitable feeling of dread.)

“So what are you going to do after?”

(Another embarrassed laugh.) “Oh… I don’t know. Most likely teaching, I guess.”

Now I just answer simply, “Teaching.”

It spares me that look on the other person’s face. Whatever it is.

I want to say that I don’t care, but honestly, I’m starting to care again.

I know I sound like I’m whining. I may even sound like I’m complaining. But I’m starting to feel scared. I’ve got two years left of this course. And maybe it was attending everyone’s graduations that brought all these feelings to surface. That I can’t run away anymore, and that I have to face my future, and the questions of what will happen after I graduate, what I plan to do.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’ve only psychoed myself into convincing myself that I’m doing this course simply because it’s my passion, and that it’s the right thing to do – to study what you’re passionate about.

But …

I don’t know anymore. Seriously, I’m not that keen on teaching music. I don’t think I was ever keen on it in the first place. Maybe my decision to go for Music in the first place simply came from my pride and the compulsion to hold onto it as the identity that people have come to associate me with, and that if I don’t pursue it, I lose my identity, and I lose myself. Does that make sense? I’m suddenly filled with a sense of despair and regret at the thought of this possibility.

Honestly, I feel like I’m a failure in my Music degree. I have zilch talent compared to everyone else. No, I’m not putting myself down. That’s the blatant truth. I’m just a mediocre musician in a sea of talents. I can’t get far, I can’t get anywhere with what I have. I can probably only teach music to young kids. And that’s about it.

I feel like I’m wasting my dad’s money. Obviously I know they rather that I have studied a professional degree. All the money that he worked hard for. All the holidays that he never took. And here I am squandering it on this useless degree, which I may never even utilise properly after completing it.

I’ve lost sight of the light ahead. I don’t know why I’m here anymore.

I’m hoping it’s just a phase. I don’t want to worry. I know that my future is secure in His hands, and that there is a reason why I am walking along this path. I just need to keep going, and not give up.

Right. Easier said than done.

I’ll probably look back at this post in a few weeks’ time and either laugh or cringe at the emo-ness. I just needed to rant for a bit, and let loose these pent-up emotions.

Thanks for listening.

Back from Adelaide

Went to Adelaide for an entire week for the annual OCF Convention. This year’s venue was hosted by South Australia, and I stayed on after the 5-night, 4-day camp for AGM, which was another two extra days. Even if I wasn’t on the general committee, and just an observer, it was really an eye-opening experience, just to see the bigger picture that we were all part of. I didn’t take any pictures during the camp itself; most of them are up on FaceBook I think (and oh my goodness, the number of pictures that are up!) I did take a few pictures on Monday, which was the day after AGM ended, when we had a bit of time to sort of explore Adelaide.

Ohhh, the really awesome night sky on the 1st December, the night before I flew off to Adelaide

Smiling Sky

The sky bestows its blessing upon humanity

It really feels like it’s smiling at you! It’s really quite a rare event – the star on the left is Venus, I think, and the one on the right is Jupiter (someone correct me if I’m wrong), and this is one of the few times that they come together this close.

Adelaide!

Sunny day in Adelaide

Andrea, Jerica and I bunked at Debra and Sarah’s place for one night (Jerica’s staying for the whole week!) and we went for a lovely breakfast in the morning at Citrus, which was featured on the Breakfast Blog.

The huge “pancake” Yon ordered, which had caramelized banana and other stuff.

PanCAKE

My corn fritter thing. I personally prefer the one at Mart 130, a breakfast place in South Melbourne.

Corn fritter with bacon and mushrooms and slow roasted tomatoes

And Andrea’s poached eggs. I took pictures of their breakfasts as well because they were sitting to my left and right. Haha. I think the others ordered different stuff.

Poached eggs + usual breakfast sides

And a bit more of Adelaide…

Christmas deco in city center

Walking along the streets...

Main shopping area.

It really feels like Perth, except with fewer people, maybe? The city is quite small, and it felt very suburban like (in comparison to Melbourne). It’s a real change from the fast-paced bustling activity of the Melbourne city. What I do like about Adelaide is that the roads are so much wider, and it’s slower and much more relaxed. Very peaceful, and people are friendlier. But I guess that’s always the case when one comes from a big city into a smaller one. Sydney, on the other hand, is much faster than Melbourne, but I have to say that I very much prefer Melbourne.

Anyway, I’m glad to be back in Melbourne. Some people stayed back longer in Adelaide to tour around the few tourist attraction places that’s outside of the city. It’s all very well that I came back when I did – it’s going to be a rather busy week for me as I start packing up to move into my new place next week. Yes, that’s right! We got the apartment on Little Lonsdale!!! Moving out of my current place and moving into the new place together with two new housemates.

Okay, granted it’s not our first choice, but the apartment on Berkeley Street that Dawn, Linda and I really wanted went into a lot of complications, and was eventually taken off the market. (The same thing happened to this other apartment on Bedford Street that we were very keen on as well, with the owner deciding to take it back at the last minute. Grr.) The pictures from the inspection that took place late last month…

Three flights of staircase (!!) to the apartment which is on the top floor.

Living room as viewed from the open kitchen...

The living room from the other end...and yes, the crowd that was there for the inspection!! There's the blue-collared shirted agent.

There were seriously LOTS of people. Linda and I went to view the place; Dawn had something else to do that evening. And all the people that stood around waiting for the agent to come had looks on their faces that I can only label as “desperate”. I think Linda and I had the same looks on our faces. We came prepared with application forms all filled out, to be given to the agent at the first chance we have, and to increase our prospects of getting the place. We weren’t the only ones who did so – a few others came prepared as well. Three-bedroom apartments are not easy to come by, so there were a few familiar faces from previous places that we had viewed.. Hence desperate faces.

Bedroom. All three rooms had built-in wardrobes and were around the same size. This photo does not do justice to the space of the room.

The three flights of staircases elicited a “ohhh noo” response from us, but anyway now that we’re only a contract away from getting the apartment, Linda said that at least “moving all the stuff up the stairs, which is not our problem “. Lol. Trueee. Only hope that the movers won’t charge us too much for that!

The bathroom. (There's me in the mirror! )

But frankly, I’m quite relieved. It’s been a real challenge trying to find a 3-bedroom place, especially one that’s within our budget, and in a relatively central position. Little Lonsdale isn’t as close as we hoped for, it’ll probably take me 20 minutes at best to walk to uni. But it’s in the city, so access to shops and supermarkets and stuff is good. Ah well. When the agent called me this morning, asking if I was still interested in the place, I was like, “Yesss, of course!” Wondered if we were first choice applicants, or if others turned it down before he finally contacted me =/ Okay, shall not think that way! The point is, at least we have an accommodation for next year!

That should be enough update. Oh right. For those who are wondering, I’m flying to Singapore on the 29th, staying at Andrea’s place for a few days, just holidaying (shopping!!) and celebrating the transition into 2009 (can you believe it??), before finally heading back to Brunei on the 3rd. And then I’ll be off to KL and Ipoh on the 24th of January for Chinese New Year with the paternal family for a week.

Exam results will be out later this week. Sighh. Not looking forward to it now, which is quite a change of mind from when I finally finished my last exam, in which I was in a “I want my results NOW!” state of mind.

Okay I should stop here before I ramble on. Hopefully I’ll have a more substantial post next time instead of this general sort of updates. Haha.