GARRRR.

A few days before the start of the second semester, and I’m growing increasingly frustrated over the inflexibility of my subject choices. A couple of my original subject selections are clashing, so I’ve been going round and round trying to solve it, and reviewing EACH and EVERY subject that is available for all my majors, checking the timetables. It’s not even funny anymore. I want to do subject A, but subject B, which I am quite keen on doing as well, clashes with it. I look at other subject options that I might consider studying this semester, and they ALL clash. Then subject C clashes either with B or D. And I’m not really keen to do subject D anyway, but what choice do I have!?!?

WTHHH.

It doesn’t help that half the subjects I REALLY want to do are not even offered. At this moment, I really hate the uni for throwing out so many subjects, making it so restrictive especially for us Arts students, simply because of that blasted Melbourne Model.

The big picture.

Cross-stitching is one of my hobbies.

This may not come as a surprise, considering that most of my interests are borderline ‘aunty’ (or ‘granny’ if you will) activities.

Over the holidays back in January, I picked it up again and finally got around to starting and finishing this particular one that I had bought back in December 2005 (I know!!). I had originally bought it as something to pass the time, since I was in Miri for about a month, doing my driving lessons, and well, one month in Miri at my aunt’s house and nowhere to go – what is there to do? But somehow I didn’t get around to it, so well…

Here it is, completed back in late January:

My aunt passed me an incomplete cross-stitch project she had abandoned for quite a long time after I finished this one. She was actually the one who introduced me to cross-stitching. I remember growing up and watching her complete craft project after craft project.

So before I came over to Melbourne, I had about finished Bear 3 since she had stopped after Bear 2. Then upon arrival here, I abandoned it too for a good few months, the materials and cloth left in the box chucked in the drawer as uni and life came a-calling.

Until exam time arrived.

`

And procrastination came a-calling.

`

The fourth bear is done for now!

`

`

I don’t know what it is, but something about cross-stitch, though it may appear mundane, is satisfying to me as I work the detail into the Aida cloth and watch the picture come into completion.

One by one, slowly but surely,

as each little “x” is sewn into the cloth,

the picture gradually comes into focus.

Maybe it’s the intricacy of cross-stitch that I like. Each little detail is important and crucial to the final outcome – a mistake, an ‘x’ off by even one square can completely throw the picture off.

The ambiguity of the details at the start to the final complete and clear picture – I can’t see now, but I know that eventually, I will understand and see how all the little things come together. It’s difficult at times to believe and trust that I’m going somewhere. But I have hope because I know the One who is in control.

The way forward is upward

An SMS from my friend A reminded me about the “pact” we made before the semester ended – I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say, we decided with much determination that we would both begin piano lessons again, with the goals of getting our diplomas (AMusA for her, and LRSM for me).

I had already obtained the phone number of my prospective teacher from another friend who is studying under him now, way back in the semester and it’s just been left lying in my phone memory for more than two months now. After much consideration for most of first semester, it finally boiled down to two teachers, and after talking to two friends who are studying under both teachers, I decided to go with this one.

So with much trepidation, I took my phone and scrolled to his phone number – and hesitated again. What was I afraid of? Why am I still holding back even now? I glanced upwards and saw the “verse for the month” that was on my calendar – “In quietness and trust is Your strength” (Isaiah 30:15).

Okay, God, I will trust You.

One reason why I was feeling so much apprehension was because my friend had mentioned that he is a very busy teacher and might not be able to take on any more students, given his schedule. Already from the start, I didn’t see any reason to hold high hopes.

With that verse in mind and reminding myself that I’ll never know unless I try, I pressed the green button, full of resolution. The phone rang for quite a while, and I felt my resolution slowly eroding. Suddenly he picked up, and my heart raced, but sounding very busy and hasty, he asked me to call him back in ten minutes as he was on the phone with someone else at the moment. I was too agitated to feel anything else, so “Oh, okay” and hung up.

I sat back in my chair.

For some reason, I felt compelled to turn to my Bible and read the verse in context – it’s also a habit of mine to read the context of individual verses that strike me. And chapter 30 struck me immediately – hard – because it talked about the Israelites’ penchant for always going back to Egypt and relying on her.

Exodus accounts much of the Israelites’ complaints after they left Egypt and how they grumbled to Moses about wanting to return – yes, return to a miserable existence as lowly slaves where life was so hard. They escaped Egypt for the promises of a better life, but when hardships come, they wanted to return to that comfort zone – that bubble of comfort, where at least they knew what to expect. But is that really the best place for us to be?

I think we’re like that in so many ways – enslavened in a situation or circumstance until we no longer recognize it for what it is, and we forget. There will be moments of ‘enlightenment’ when we open our eyes to see that we need to break that bubble, but then something happens, and we retreat back into that false security and sink deeper into that abyss of self-inflicted misery.

I think I’m like that.

`

But as I read that chapter, I knew that I had to break free, once and for all. I can’t keep looking back to that place of regrets and self-pity which can become such familiar but destructive ‘friends’.

`

I looked at the time – about ten minutes had already passed -

To my surprise, my phone rang – he had called back instead! I picked it up quickly and introduced myself, et cetera and The Question: Will I be able to have lessons with you?

`

`

And then:

…pretty packed at the moment, but I should be able to squeeze you in.

`

*indescribable moment*

`

I won’t be able to begin straightaway since he’s away in Sydney for the next two weeks to adjudicate a competition and perform a recital, but I was to call him back when second semester begins again to confirm lessons. In the meantime, he gave me a few pieces to work on. I felt excited and eager and scribbled everything he said on a piece of paper.

The phone call ended and I stood there for a moment, feeling exhilarated as I grasped onto that second chance that I felt I have been given again, and feeling so grateful.

`

`

For the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I have a purpose again.