This Christmas was my first one away from home. I’ve never gone home so late before – the past few years, I’ve always somehow manage to return home before 25th of December, but now that it’s past Christmas and all, in retrospect, it was probably a good thing that I stayed in Melbourne for as long as I did this time, simply because of the things that I needed to settle.
It’s been a mad month. I’m now in Singapore, holidaying here for a few days before I finally land in Brunei. Shopping and good food again! Finally. My sister actually sent me a list of things to buy. I was literally like this: -___- when I saw her email. I don’t even know if my mom knows that she asked me to buy all that stuff. (And btw, how am I going to pay for all that??)
Moving apartments was the main event of the month (apart from all the graduations that I attended!). From clearing out the old apartment, arranging general exit cleaning and steam carpet cleaning to organizing movers to the new place, it’s been such an arduous task, even to filling the new apartment with furniture and necessary appliances. And all the money!!! I guess I could have planned it better, but now that I know what’s involved in moving, I swear to plan my next one (if there is) better than this. Seriously, if you can, try NOT to move, because the hassle is just unnecessary and it costs too much money. I think about it, and I wondered if I should have tried to persuade my parents to have bought an apartment in Melbourne when I first arrived three years ago, since I am in a 5-year course after all. And even after I leave, we can always rent it out to other students. Sighh.
But to regret is merely foolishness, isn’t it?
I don’t know why, but regrets have been popping up again, with regards to my future, this double degree that I’m doing. Just when I thought that I made the right decision in doing what I love, I find myself regretting again.
The truth is, I’ve really come to dislike answering the question, “So what are you studying?” or similar questions along those lines. What can I say, but, “Oh, I’m doing Music and Arts.” I feel like I’ve been asked that a lot this month. Or maybe it’s just that when you meet people, the general line of conversation is that they find out you’re a student, then they find out that you’re studying at the University of Melbourne, and then that inevitable question.
“So what course are you doing?”
“Music” (if I feel like I can’t be bothered explaining that I’m doing a double degree) or “Music and Arts” (so that I don’t sound like I’ll be completely jobless after graduation).
“Oh, wow!” (Cue inevitable look of surprise and intrigue.) I assume that the intrigue comes mainly from the fact that I’m doing a Music degree.
“Haha…” (Embarrassed laugh and inevitable feeling of dread.)
“So what are you going to do after?”
(Another embarrassed laugh.) “Oh… I don’t know. Most likely teaching, I guess.”
Now I just answer simply, “Teaching.”
It spares me that look on the other person’s face. Whatever it is.
I want to say that I don’t care, but honestly, I’m starting to care again.
I know I sound like I’m whining. I may even sound like I’m complaining. But I’m starting to feel scared. I’ve got two years left of this course. And maybe it was attending everyone’s graduations that brought all these feelings to surface. That I can’t run away anymore, and that I have to face my future, and the questions of what will happen after I graduate, what I plan to do.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’ve only psychoed myself into convincing myself that I’m doing this course simply because it’s my passion, and that it’s the right thing to do – to study what you’re passionate about.
But …
I don’t know anymore. Seriously, I’m not that keen on teaching music. I don’t think I was ever keen on it in the first place. Maybe my decision to go for Music in the first place simply came from my pride and the compulsion to hold onto it as the identity that people have come to associate me with, and that if I don’t pursue it, I lose my identity, and I lose myself. Does that make sense? I’m suddenly filled with a sense of despair and regret at the thought of this possibility.
Honestly, I feel like I’m a failure in my Music degree. I have zilch talent compared to everyone else. No, I’m not putting myself down. That’s the blatant truth. I’m just a mediocre musician in a sea of talents. I can’t get far, I can’t get anywhere with what I have. I can probably only teach music to young kids. And that’s about it.
I feel like I’m wasting my dad’s money. Obviously I know they rather that I have studied a professional degree. All the money that he worked hard for. All the holidays that he never took. And here I am squandering it on this useless degree, which I may never even utilise properly after completing it.
I’ve lost sight of the light ahead. I don’t know why I’m here anymore.
I’m hoping it’s just a phase. I don’t want to worry. I know that my future is secure in His hands, and that there is a reason why I am walking along this path. I just need to keep going, and not give up.
Right. Easier said than done.
I’ll probably look back at this post in a few weeks’ time and either laugh or cringe at the emo-ness. I just needed to rant for a bit, and let loose these pent-up emotions.
Thanks for listening.
