A step into the past… and then forward.

My piano teacher who helped me through my DipABRSM back in 2005 when I was in Perth emailed me out of the blue a few days ago.

The funny thing is, I’ve been thinking of contacting her too, mainly because my results and certificate are still with her (after all these years!) I actually needed those results if I wished to proceed with my plans to undertake the LRSM next year (the Licentiate, which is basically the next level after the Diploma). So I wanted to contact her to forward the results to me.

And the other funny thing is that, I’ve been wavering again lately about whether I should actually press forward with this goal. Many posts back, I blogged about the growing feeling of despondency (again) over my piano learning. I’ve actually put my lessons on a hiatus for almost two months now, because of the assignments and workload I had to deal with post-semester break. I wonder if the piano teacher still remembers me.

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So I’m at this point where I’m (about) to give up again.

Then this email came from my ex-piano teacher.

It reminded me of my year in Perth. In retrospect, I think I must have been crazy to do the DipABRSM at the same time I was going through my year 12 exams, which are actually a pretty big deal for year 12 students here wanting to go on to tertiary level. The course of your choice hinges upon the results of the year 12 exams. Those results, in a sense, determine your future.

So there I am, still naive and innocent. I wanted to take the DipABRSM because, well, I’ve been playing those pieces for almost two years, and I was getting sick of them. And it was about time to do the exams otherwise I’ll just regress. So I registered, paid the fee, and waited for the exam dates to roll around.

My preparation was very shoddy, in truth. I didn’t practice everyday. And even when I did, it was haphazard and messy. Writing my programme notes was an ordeal. My musical general and theoretical knowledge was hardly enough to help me (as opposed to the amount of learning I have behind me now, thanks to this music degree I’m doing).

Another thing I had to wait in anticipation for was the release of the exam dates for the Year 12 exams; I prayed that my exams won’t clash with the DipABRSM exam, because they all fall in the same period. (Thank God they didn’t clash!)

Let’s put this another way – it’s the equivalent of you guys doing your A-Levels, and at the same time, you have another major exam to worry about. And the thing with musical exams is that you really need to dedicate hours and hours of practice and effort into it as well, the same way you’ll put in hours of studies to do well in the academic subjects. I had barely enough time to cope with everything.

I was really between the rock and the hard place in that year. It was a difficult year. First time away from home at seventeen. Midway through the year, I receive bad news from home regarding parents’ health. Then the growing panic and fear over my lack of preparation for the piano exam, and the knowledge of the high failure rate did not help. And my studies weren’t going too well either in the second half of the year – it kinda went downhill and I felt powerless to stop those falling grades.

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Maybe you’re surprised to hear all this. I’m not surprised at your surprise; this was all under the surface, and I kept all these to myself.

But in the midst of all that storm, God proved to me His faithfulness, even when I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Did I mention that I passed the DipABRSM by only 3 marks?

I was stunned when I heard that from her (the piano teacher who taught me in Perth). 3 marks. It’s crazy. I messed up my viva voce (general question-and-answer) and my sight reading had been atrocious. And I passed?!?

It’s miraculous.

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And my year 12 results were disappointing by my standards (or by the standards that everyone has come to expect of me anyway). I never told anyone, but I really, really felt disheartened when I received my results. The thought that I had at that time was, “There goes my future.” I wanted more than anything, a redo of the entire year. God, just turn back time for me, please. It had been one big mess that I didn’t handle very well at all. But those results were just enough to get into this current double degree that I’m doing, and after fighting ‘myself’ and God, am now ironically enjoying.

Both parents recovered and are now in remission (and it’s truly by God’s grace and I thank Him for that).

I came to Melbourne, not that I had much of a choice, but because this ended up being the only university I could go to. Frankly I felt like a failure when I first arrived here in 2006. Australia had never been my first choice.

All the way, it seemed like I failed, but God keeps affirming me all along the way.

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And the email out of the blue a few days ago? Well, my ex-piano teacher wanted to pass my results to me when we meet up in Brunei later in December, the very same subject matter I wanted to contact her about, and did not do because, well, I just didn’t find the heart to…

It all speaks of a Higher power who knows me better than I know myself. Even when I want to let it all go and in a moment of weakness, yell, “Forget it”, He refuses to let go and urges me forward in spite of my failings.

In John 6, the recount of the miracle of Jesus walking on water is short and simple – it’s profound how John doesn’t even mention what happens to the storm. We don’t know whether it stopped, whether it continued raging or not. All that he tells us is that, the disciples were glad to see Him, and welcomed Him onto the boat. And the boat reached its intended journey safely.

And that was it.

Jesus walked through storm and wind to reach his beloved disciples. And with Him in the boat, it doesn’t matter if the storm is raging or not. It doesn’t matter that the wind threatens to capsize this boat.

All that matters is that He is in this together with me, and this boat will reach its destination safely.

You have set eternity in the hearts of men

For our time here is but a breath;

-

Fear of the Lord

My reading from Jeremiah 26 today struck me.

To be more precise, it was the little snippet about Uriah in verses 21-23 that at first glance, seemed out of place. (My first thought was, “Where in the world did this random guy come from??”) But details matter to God, and Uriah is there to teach us something.

Jeremiah and Uriah were both called by God to prophesy to Israel. Both were persecuted for the sake of God’s name (v. 11 & 22). But that’s where the similarities end. The contrast is striking:

There was another man who prophesied in the name of the Lord, Uriah the son of Shemaiah from Kiriath-jearim. He prophesied against this city and against this land in words like those of Jeremiah. And when King Jehoiakim, with all his warriors and all the officials, heard his words, the king sought to put him to death. But when Uriah heard of it, he was afraid and fled and escaped to Egypt.

That’s Uriah’s response (v. 20-21). Here’s Jeremiah’s (v. 10-15):

When the officials of Judah heard these things, they came up from the king’s house to the house of the Lord and took their seat in the entry of the New Gate of the house of the Lord. Then the priests and the prophets said to the officials and to all the people, “This man deserves the sentence of death, because he has prophesied against this city, as you have heard with your own ears.”

Then Jeremiah spoke to all the officials and all the people, saying, “The Lord sent me to prophesy against this house and this city all the words you have heard. Now therefore mend your ways and your deeds, and obey the voice of the Lord your God, and the Lord will relent of the disaster that he has pronounced against you. 14 But as for me, behold, I am in your hands. Do with me as seems good and right to you. 15 Only know for certain that if you put me to death, you will bring innocent blood upon yourselves and upon this city and its inhabitants, for in truth the Lord sent me to you to speak all these words in your ears.”

And what happened to Uriah?

22 Then King Jehoiakim sent to Egypt certain men, Elnathan the son of Achbor and others with him, 23 and they took Uriah from Egypt and brought him to King Jehoiakim, who struck him down with the sword and dumped his dead body into the burial place of the common people.

Jeremiah, on the other hand…

24 But the hand of Ahikam the son of Shaphan was with Jeremiah so that he was not given over to the people to be put to death.

It’s really very interesting the way that the narrative of Jeremiah’s ordeal is suddenly interrupted by the entrance of Uriah – “And there was also a man… Uriah son of Shemaiah…” (v. 20). At the end of the day, their responses serve as a lesson to us.

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Uriah feared the word of man more than he feared the word of God. He “heard” King Jehoiakim’s threats of death, and instead of trusting the God who had called him, Uriah trusted in himself. He loved his life more than he loved God (John 12:25). When I read about him at first, I thought, isn’t it telling that we don’t have a ‘Book of Uriah’?  Uriah may have started out well, but he did not finish the race well, nor did he keep the faith until the end. He has no legacy to speak of (apart from what we know of his sad end in this chapter). He disbelieved and doubted God. And of all the places to run to, he ran away to Egypt, the former place of Israel’s oppression and bondage. (The Israelites, too, when wandering in the desert, often yearned to return to Egypt when the going got tough.) What may appear to be a place of safety is really a place of bondage (which I talked about in a previous post).

Jeremiah, on the other hand, is the picture of a man of faith. He stood boldly before his oppressors and repeated what God had told him to say. Unlike Uriah, he remembered God’s faithful words of promises to him. From the beginning, God had already promised that He would be with him (Jeremiah 1:8). He encouraged Jeremiah (Jeremiah 1:17-19). When Jeremiah fell into despondency, he turned to God (15:15-18). And God always, always reassured Jeremiah with His words of truth (15:20-21).

 

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One feared God; the other man. God’s word will stand firm and true even in the face of adversity. Just as He had proclaimed, His words are the fire that burnt the lies and accusations of Jeremiah’s persecutors. His word broke the hard rock of Jeremiah’s difficult circumstances (Jeremiah 23:29).

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Help me to be like Jeremiah, O Lord.

In the quiet.

Day breaks through the fabric of darkness
Searching for answers in the fog
I cry out to God
Break through my darkness that I may see light.

Final hurdle…

…not.

After four years of uni, GAAAH. This five-year course is starting to feel too long. But I comfort myself with the fact that I’ll graduate with two degrees under my belt. Hohoho.

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Righttt.

Tomorrow will be the final round of tutes for the year, but the nightmare has just begun. Three essays, all worth 50% due one after another. I can do this! I can do this! I can do this! *chants ad nauseam*

Re-enrolment for next year has opened, and as I was looking through the subjects available for my majors next year, it’s really saddening to see how many subjects have been cut out ever since the Melbourne Model was put in place. I compared the 2006 Handbook (the year I first enrolled) with the 2010 one, and more than half the subjects have disappeared, or have been changed and named differently. One subject I was particularly keen on doing for next year is not there anymore – I have a feeling it’s been replaced by this other subject which covers similar areas, but the structure is different from what I remembered it to be.

It’s hard to believe that next year will be my final year – and it’s scary too. I still don’t know where I’m headed after graduation in December 2010, but I’ll just have to keep trusting in God to lead me down this road. For now I see through a glass, darkly… now I know in part… but one day I will see all that He has had planned.