GAHHH it is SO HOT. The heat is so uncomfortable that I’m having trouble focusing on finishing my essay. Which is BAD. And it’s so hard to sleep too! I feel like I’m in a slow-cooker, simmering… simmering… it just won’t seem to let up!
How will I ever survive when I get back to Brunei??!
A few days before the start of the second semester, and I’m growing increasingly frustrated over the inflexibility of my subject choices. A couple of my original subject selections are clashing, so I’ve been going round and round trying to solve it, and reviewing EACH and EVERY subject that is available for all my majors, checking the timetables. It’s not even funny anymore. I want to do subject A, but subject B, which I am quite keen on doing as well, clashes with it. I look at other subject options that I might consider studying this semester, and they ALL clash. Then subject C clashes either with B or D. And I’m not really keen to do subject D anyway, but what choice do I have!?!?
WTHHH.
It doesn’t help that half the subjects I REALLY want to do are not even offered. At this moment, I really hate the uni for throwing out so many subjects, making it so restrictive especially for us Arts students, simply because of that blasted Melbourne Model.
OMG. My visa renewal is driving me crazy. I just called the Australian immigration department in Brunei, and it appears that they might have misplaced my medicals, which were supposed to have been forwarded to DIAC here in Melbourne (that’s what I was told a few weeks ago when I was still in Brunei). Until then, my case officer still can’t do anything about my visa application until she gets my health documents.
My current visa expires in mid-March.
OMGGGGG.
/edit (many hours later!)
AND of course, right after this rant, I come home late at night, check my email only to discover that I’ve finally been granted my visa.
SERIOUSLY.
Moments like these, you just don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.
This Christmas was my first one away from home. I’ve never gone home so late before – the past few years, I’ve always somehow manage to return home before 25th of December, but now that it’s past Christmas and all, in retrospect, it was probably a good thing that I stayed in Melbourne for as long as I did this time, simply because of the things that I needed to settle.
It’s been a mad month. I’m now in Singapore, holidaying here for a few days before I finally land in Brunei. Shopping and good food again! Finally. My sister actually sent me a list of things to buy. I was literally like this: -___- when I saw her email. I don’t even know if my mom knows that she asked me to buy all that stuff. (And btw, how am I going to pay for all that??)
Moving apartments was the main event of the month (apart from all the graduations that I attended!). From clearing out the old apartment, arranging general exit cleaning and steam carpet cleaning to organizing movers to the new place, it’s been such an arduous task, even to filling the new apartment with furniture and necessary appliances. And all the money!!! I guess I could have planned it better, but now that I know what’s involved in moving, I swear to plan my next one (if there is) better than this. Seriously, if you can, try NOT to move, because the hassle is just unnecessary and it costs too much money. I think about it, and I wondered if I should have tried to persuade my parents to have bought an apartment in Melbourne when I first arrived three years ago, since I am in a 5-year course after all. And even after I leave, we can always rent it out to other students. Sighh.
But to regret is merely foolishness, isn’t it?
I don’t know why, but regrets have been popping up again, with regards to my future, this double degree that I’m doing. Just when I thought that I made the right decision in doing what I love, I find myself regretting again.
The truth is, I’ve really come to dislike answering the question, “So what are you studying?” or similar questions along those lines. What can I say, but, “Oh, I’m doing Music and Arts.” I feel like I’ve been asked that a lot this month. Or maybe it’s just that when you meet people, the general line of conversation is that they find out you’re a student, then they find out that you’re studying at the University of Melbourne, and then that inevitable question.
“So what course are you doing?”
“Music” (if I feel like I can’t be bothered explaining that I’m doing a double degree) or “Music and Arts” (so that I don’t sound like I’ll be completely jobless after graduation).
“Oh, wow!” (Cue inevitable look of surprise and intrigue.) I assume that the intrigue comes mainly from the fact that I’m doing a Music degree.
“Haha…” (Embarrassed laugh and inevitable feeling of dread.)
“So what are you going to do after?”
(Another embarrassed laugh.) “Oh… I don’t know. Most likely teaching, I guess.”
Now I just answer simply, “Teaching.”
It spares me that look on the other person’s face. Whatever it is.
I want to say that I don’t care, but honestly, I’m starting to care again.
I know I sound like I’m whining. I may even sound like I’m complaining. But I’m starting to feel scared. I’ve got two years left of this course. And maybe it was attending everyone’s graduations that brought all these feelings to surface. That I can’t run away anymore, and that I have to face my future, and the questions of what will happen after I graduate, what I plan to do.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’ve only psychoed myself into convincing myself that I’m doing this course simply because it’s my passion, and that it’s the right thing to do – to study what you’re passionate about.
But …
I don’t know anymore. Seriously, I’m not that keen on teaching music. I don’t think I was ever keen on it in the first place. Maybe my decision to go for Music in the first place simply came from my pride and the compulsion to hold onto it as the identity that people have come to associate me with, and that if I don’t pursue it, I lose my identity, and I lose myself. Does that make sense? I’m suddenly filled with a sense of despair and regret at the thought of this possibility.
Honestly, I feel like I’m a failure in my Music degree. I have zilch talent compared to everyone else. No, I’m not putting myself down. That’s the blatant truth. I’m just a mediocre musician in a sea of talents. I can’t get far, I can’t get anywhere with what I have. I can probably only teach music to young kids. And that’s about it.
I feel like I’m wasting my dad’s money. Obviously I know they rather that I have studied a professional degree. All the money that he worked hard for. All the holidays that he never took. And here I am squandering it on this useless degree, which I may never even utilise properly after completing it.
I’ve lost sight of the light ahead. I don’t know why I’m here anymore.
I’m hoping it’s just a phase. I don’t want to worry. I know that my future is secure in His hands, and that there is a reason why I am walking along this path. I just need to keep going, and not give up.
Right. Easier said than done.
I’ll probably look back at this post in a few weeks’ time and either laugh or cringe at the emo-ness. I just needed to rant for a bit, and let loose these pent-up emotions.
Thanks for listening.
One day left, and four more excerpts to get through.
It’s been a long time since I felt stress like this. The past two years of undergraduate study has been relatively stress-free, in that I’ve had mostly assignments in the forms of essays that leave me with very few exams at the end of the semester, usually exams that don’t require me to study study. Even the music exams that I had didn’t feel at all very stressful to me, because I really enjoyed what I was learning (except for theory, but that’s a different story), and studying that didn’t feel like “study” because simply put, I enjoyed it.
Maybe I should just forget taking up a major in this… I don’t even know why I thought it’ll be interesting. The past week has just been a real chore as I struggled to wrap my head around the stupid political theories and wrestle with what these theorists and philosophers are talking about. And their discourses really put me to sleep. The library’s practically my second home now, and I want my holiday now. 
Maybe my brain is just not made for these sort of critical thinking and challenging so much of these worldly sort of ideas and theories. Most of the time, I can’t really sympathize with what they’re advocating, and I find myself disagreeing with their arguments, but I can’t even argue back if you asked me to; that, and the lack of knowledge in that department.
And the people in my tutorial the past semester are all freaking smart ang-moh people who REALLY know their stuff and know which political school they lean towards, or are part of. Freaking smart or just brilliant at talking rubbish that sounds intelligent to a political student noob like me.
I think the students who are in this major, really, really know what they want, what they’re doing, and they just really know their stuff. These are people who will probably go on to some brilliant career in the government and politics or whatever political-related stuff.
I can’t wait for next year when I can immerse myself in the familiar territory of English Lit again. I’ve missed it, and it’ll be like welcoming back an old friend again.
I can’t wait for this week to be over, and get my last two exams over and done with. And while we’re at that, please, God, help me to do well for my practical exam, because I really really want to go on to still do practical next year.
